I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
