About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
