does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
