Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
