My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
