Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
