Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
