If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize