she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize