The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
why do cheetos always look like penises
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
