Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I just sharted jello shots
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
