every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
