my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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