my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
