Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
