I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
