We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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