dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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