I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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