Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
do herpes really smell.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
