dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
