a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
