You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
