The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the day after is always just damage control
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
