I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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