Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
