4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
