just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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