cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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