I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
