She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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