Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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