Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
