Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
