Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
