Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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