she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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