giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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