i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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