I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
