you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
