You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
