I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
