The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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