made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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