She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
