either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize