can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
