lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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