dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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