i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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