I can text with my tongue
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize