Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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