Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
