Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
