so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
