i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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